Unashamed

Okay, folks. I really wanted to rant about female-to-male sexism next, because that's important to me too. But then I read this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stefanie-williams/the-truth-about-being-a-s_b_3756329.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false (Eventually, I'll get better at this HTML stuff and make fancy links, but I am TOO PUMPED to go learn now. Maybe I'll come back to it later.)

Anyway, I read that. AND IT MADE ME SO HAPPY. I don't see enough of THIS attitude. I have it, myself, and it seems to be growing in popularity, but I don't see enough of it.

Here's the deal: I'm a slut. Yup, I'm a wanton woman who has sex with people who I want to have sex with, when I want to have sex with them, as long as they also want to have sex with me at that particular time. I am even unwed. And, shockingly enough, I have had sex with MORE THAN ONE MAN to whom I was not married.

And society is a real bastard about it, too. Society's like "You should totally have sex! Because Men want to have sex with women! Having sex is awesome!" But then Society is also like "You should be ashamed of yourself! Buying condoms and taking birth control pills like some sort of hussie! WHY ARE YOU HAVING SEX FOR FUN INSTEAD OF MAKING BABIES AND SANDWICHES?"

(PS. Society knows that sex and sandwiches are not directly related, but it also thinks I should go to the kitchen and make it a goddamn sandwich. Because Society, for some reason, thinks that I should be satisfied to never progress beyong the 50s. Sorry, Society. I'm too busy BEING A SLUT, and also having a job and socializing and living my own life, to make you a sandwich!)

Society doesn't seem to understand its double standard. It thinks that it's totally cool for men to have sex with women outside of wedlock, but it doesn't seem to grasp the concept that in order for that to happen, women HAVE to do that too.

And if a woman WANTS to do it, she's WRONG.

Alright, Society. You can shove it. I'm a grown-up. I can vote, buy cigarettes, and drink alcohol. (I don't actually smoke. BUT I COULD.) That means you don't get to make my choices for me.

More specifically, you don't get to make choices for yourself and then try to shame me for making those same choices. You don't get to shame me for living my life without taking your desires into consideration, because I really don't owe you much. You try to shame me and stigmatize me, try to silence and hide me and pretend that everything is hunky-dory, whatever that means.

I've got news for you, Society. You're fucked. (And not in the fun slutty way.) I won't be silent. I won't be hidden away. I won't allow you to make me believe that I am what you want me to be. I honestly think we're in an abusive relationship, here, and I'm breaking up with you. You don't get to tell me who I am! You don't get to tell me what I should be ashamed of! You don't get to make the decisions about what I do with my own body!

If I want to have sex, I'm going to. You can give me funny looks when I buy condoms at the drugstore. You can give me crude, knowing winks when I pick up my birth control at the pharmacy. If you really want, you can try to prevent me from terminating a pregnancy by pelting me with epiteths or fruit or by shutting down all the places where I could receive the medical procedure, and forcing me to go to a seedy man in an alley with a folding table and a rusty knife. You can do that.

But I want you to realize that you have no right to tell me what to do with my own body. And I outright REFUSE to be ashamed of the choices I have made. I make the wrong choice, sometimes, but everyone does. I won't be ashamed of it.

Guess what, Society? Everyone makes those choices. Some of them make the choices you would prefer--To remain chaste and pure until united by the sanctity of holy matrimony. And to those people, I say "Good on ya!" Because they have made the choice to do with their bodies what they will. They have that right. I wouldn't go that way, but that's my choice.

And I refuse to be ashamed.

Brain-Dump

Alright, world. I would like to get one thing straight.

My purpose. The thing I stand up for more than anything else in the world. The thing that I believe in with every fibre of my being.

I want every person in the world to be treated like a person. Not a woman. Not a man. Not a male. Not a female. Not a straight. Not a gay. Not a trans. Not a victim. Not a survivor. Not an illness. Not a Christian. Not an athiest. Not fucking anything that YOU THINK defines who they are.

I want every person in this world to be treated like a person. To be treated like they have the same rights as any other person to live, to love, to work, to play, to have adventures, and to eventually die.

This means that my battle is for the underdog. The ones who are most treated like the things that others think define them. Woman. Victim. Gay. Anything except the simple fucking human being that they are.

When I hear of someone being treated unfairly, it puts me into a rage. When I hear someone complain that others aren't being treated unfairly, I go nearly blind. When I hear of someone screaming "Persecution!" or "racism!" or "sexism!" or "Special treatment!" because someone is given the same rights they have, or because the screamer is being denied the right to treat someone as a lesser fucking being, I just shut down. I have no idea what to say or do. I can't BELIEVE that people still think that way. That they have the right to force their way of life on anyone else is simply not true. Or it shouldn't be true. What ever happened to "live and let live?" You live your life, I'll live mine. As long as no laws are broken, no one is being hurt in any way, and everyone involved in said lifestyle is happy, why the hell should anyone care about what someone else is living?

I just...don't know. It baffles me. It blows my mind. I have no idea what is going on in this world.

This was a pretty short post, but I had to get that off my chest. Because seriously. What is so scary about treating everyone like people? What is so scary about stripping away all of those ridiculous pseudo-definitions and just all being people? I simply don't get it.

Misogynista addresses misandry

Ah, Faithful Readers. I feel that this is an important topic for me to address, because though this blog is largely in the genre I'm calling FEMINIST RAGE (yes, the caps are necessary!) I feel that I should say a few things about misandry, as well.

That being said, I am pretty much not a misandrist. Sexism in all its forms pisses me off. The phrase "It's a guy thing" pisses me off as much as "it's a girl thing." It just happens that sexism toward females is more degrading and threatening than that toward males, which is often just insulting and dumb. (NOTE: This is a matter of opinion and experience, not scientific fact. I am aware that there is degrading and threatening sexism toward males, however it is not as ubiquitous.)

I'm not going to say "I love men!" because that sounds so condescending. It sounds condescending when it's a man talking about women, and it sounds condescending when it's a woman talking about men.

I acknowledge that there are physical, physiological, and psychological differences between men and women. I also acknowledge that this does not make one sex "better" than the other. The differences between the sexes are just like the differences between individuals--One may be better than another AT A THING, or even AT MANY THINGS, but it does not make that person BETTER than the other.

I understand that some feminists do hate men. And while I won't say that that's fair or right, some of them have good reasons. When one is treated poorly by one or many members of any group (Be it religious, ethnic, corporate, or gender) for an extended period of time, one begins to mistrust or dislike anyone associated with that group.

Many, though not all, feminists are victims of abuse of any sort, and that brings their attention to the fact that many other women have been subjected to that same abuse. They feel the call to stop it, or fight against it.

Eventually their passion can turn to vitriol as they hear more and more stories of abuse at the hands of men. I don't feel what they feel, but I can sympathize with it. In the same way, I'm certain not all Germans during WWII were bad, but very few people called out against hating Germans as a whole.

No, I'm not saying that sexism is as bad as the Holocaust. Please don't twist my words. It's just an example of widespread hatred that I'm sure many people in that particular group did not deserve. What I'm saying is that it's easy to develop a hatred of someone when all you see is their bad side.

There are, of course, also some excellent and similar reasons for misogyny. It is far from unheard of for women to abuse men verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually. It is every bit as terrible for a man to be victimized as it is for a woman. In some ways, it could possibly be considered worse, as there is somehow MORE stigma attached to a man reporting abuse from a woman as there is for the other way around.

My point is: I tackle misogyny because it's much more prominent in my life. I acknowledge that misandry exists. I acknowledge that there may be very good psychological reasons for that, but do not defend it. I do not think it's right. There are also some excellent phychological reasons for misogyny that I acknowledge, but do not defend.

At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our attitudes and the way we treat our fellow humans, and to treat them poorly is beyond defense.

The Internet Fuckwad Theory

(c)http://www.penny-arcade.com/ circa. 2004

As I may have mentioned earlier, I'm on a dating website known as http://www.okcupid.com/. Generally, I love this website. It has an advanced matching algorithm that I've found incredibly useful for making friends and meeting people. Since I tend to wind up in new cities fairly frequently, this is invaluable to me.

For reference, you can find my profile here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/fatalis_vox

As you can see, if you bother to read it, it clearly states that I'm only seeking friendship, that I'm in a relationship and uninterested in another one. Generally, I'm a full-disclosure kind of person. It's just easier than lying.

The downside is that most people on these websites never actually bother to READ profiles. Now I'm approaching this mostly as a straight female, so I'm directing this toward "guys." I am aware that not every guy is like the ones I am about to tear apart. In fact, I've made a number of really good male friends on this website, and gotten some truly excellent, well-thought-out messages from guys who clearly read my profile. And then I get the following drivel:

"hi..your profile looks very appealing..are u married? i bet u are a naughty horny wife.."

a) I automatically think that anyone who types that way is between the ages of 12 and 14. Or at least has the education level of such. However, the website does have age restrictions, so I'm forced to take the age at face value.

b) The person in the picture is not wearing a shirt. And seriously, I don't want to see that. Put on your clothes and join polite society.

c) WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO INITIATE A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT? What makes you think it's appropriate to talk to ANYONE like that, much less a woman you don't know?

And he isn't alone! The following messages are also ones I've received

"How many guys today have shown you their penis?
I’m going to break the trend of perverted guys that don’t know how to introduce themselves to a pretty lady. So here’s my introductory email – no pictures of my junk, no comments about how badly I want to give it to you doggystyle, and no misspelled words! At this point, you’re probably thinking, “is he really a dude or is he a female posing as a man?”. I promise you I’m actually a guy, and although I’m only looking for a casual sex relationship, I’m far from a disgusting pervert. So if you want to chat with a man that knows how to please AND respect a pretty lady such as yourself, hit me up on IM. Look forward to hearing from you!"

Wow. This guy actually thinks that the fact that he is NOT GOING TO SHOW ME HIS PENIS UNSOLICITED is giving him points!! Look at how reserved he is! He's not going to send me pictures of his junk or make inappropriate comments about sexual positions. Except...well, he did. Oops. Sorry, guy.

He is still propositioning me, also, in case you missed that part And he somehow thinks that's...respectful? There's something seriously wrong with that. It doesn't matter how many commas or hyphens you put in, this email is essentially the wordy version of "nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

Here's a fun one!

"Seriously, lady, what a psychotic profile... You're looking to fuck. But not really. You're actually in a relationship. But only in all the ways that actually give you value. But if some guy is trolling a DATING site in the desperate hopes of finding that one awesome woman who is already taken and off limits, he may strike gold. Really, a re-write is severely needed. Just put it up top that you're looking for platonic buddies because you're taken but too conflicted to just remove the damn profile. Save us the wasted time."

I actually have no idea what to say about this. I read it, and my response was basically "W-T-F I don't even..."

It pretty much speaks for itself.

"I'm a married professional that is looking for…what I refer to as… that ‘spark’. So then given our current situations, I respect that you are looking for a certain level of discretion. Is this fair to say? I certainly would like to talk to you more. For example, to find out what brings you here in your search for a tall, sane, fun and non-judgmental guy (which by the way, I am all of those things. 6ft tall with dark features, as a professional they generally prefer me to be sane J, and oh how I laugh!!! and well, you are who you are, and I am you I am.) I will be honest with you that I have played lawn darts since I was a boy (back when they were actually darts) but I’m sure you can help me regain my throwing form.

I’m not into any sort of B.S. Don’t worry here. Games are not worth anyone’s time, so why bother with them? I look forward to chatting with you further and to find out if the only differences that we do have is just the lawn darts or not. "

Paraphrase: "I LIKE STUFF. I'm trying to cheat on my wife with you, but I don't play games! Except lawn-darts, but that's totally cool, right? I bet I'm your type."

Ugh. This is disgusting. Not ONLY is this dude asking me to be his side-girl, but he actually thinks that that's an honest and "no-BS" kind of relationship. Also, he clearly ignored the part of my profile (if he even read it) that states in no uncertain terms that I just want to make friends.

And then, my absolute favorite OKC message that is still in my inbox:

"I'm looking for a girl to dominate and spank me and I kiss her feet? do Accept you be this girl"

Looking past the broken English that clearly identifies this person as a non-native English speaker, and thus likely foreign and subject to different cultural norms...WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Who in their right mind thinks that this is an okay way to greet ANYONE? It's creepy, it's...horrible, and in no way, in no universe, should it be considered appropriate or anything remotely resembling "okay."

(note: I'm not judging people for their lifestyle choices. People can be into whatever they want between consenting adults. However, messages like this remove the "consent" part. You're forcing onto me knowledge about your sexual habits without bothering to care whether I want to know or not. That is sexual harassment, and it's plain wrong.)

The response I got from some male friends who actually defended these guys? "Well, at least he's being straightforward! He's not beating around the bush. There's something to be said for his honesty!" No. No, there isn't. There is no defense for a guy who thinks it's okay to proposition a woman as an introduction, or to make the assumptions that the above make. It's disgusting, it's demeaning, and it furthers the concept that women are sex objects. I'm not sorry, but that's not okay. It's NEVER okay. If you think there's anything okay about these messages, you're part of the problem.

Think about that.

On Working Out While Being a Woman

I love working out. I love the sweat, I love feeling the pain and stiffness later. I even love when the callouses or blisters rip off my hands onto the weights.

I love to be healthy. And yes, I even love looking good. I love looking good for myself, and I love looking good for my boyfriend (who says he would still love me if I got fat, but he might not have sex with me as much. Which is totally fair, since I feel the same way about him.) and every now and then, yeah. I like looking good to whatever man happens to be looking. I admit a weakness for feeling desireable. We'll call it a biological imperative. (Hey,one must be honest with oneself if one is to indulge in feminist rage!)

I hate the way the fitness world treats women. The entire fitness world. It implies that the entire purpose of working out is to attract a better mate. Sometimes it SAYS "being healthy is the goal!" but it's always said by a woman in as little workout clothing as possible, slathered in makeup and hair product, who somehow manages to get through her entire workout video without flushing or breaking a sweat. (Because girls aren't supposed to sweat. Or poo.)

So a woman, with the intent on being healthy, goes to the gym. Frankly, gyms are intimidating to beginners. They're not really sure what to do with all those weights and machines. Guys can ask guys for help or advice. But if a gal asks a guy? There are two reactions she'll generally get. (Keep in mind, this is NOT all men. However, if you ask a lot of women, this is what they've experienced. And it's what I've experienced.) She'll either be treated as a nuisance, as though she shouldn't be there if she can't "keep up with the big boys," or she'll be treated as a sex object, like she's flirting or she'll get flirted with. She'll be called insulting pet names like "little lady" or "sweetheart," and never asked for her name, unless he's flirting.

Even women in the gym treat others with scorn, frequently. We get so caught up in our own little Super Heroine worlds that we forget what it was like to be new. Or we could afford to hire a personal trainer--Someone who could show us how to work out, who was also required to treat us with respect.

This often results in women hitting the treadmill, eliptical, or stairmaster. Which often makes people think she's "lazy," or "just working out to be skinny" or some other such sexist junk. Because most people in the gym know that cardio is good for burning fat, but not building muscle. The New Girl may not know that, though. She may just be trying to be healthy and hasn't done a lot of research. Maybe she doesn't know where to start. It's ridiculous how much contrasting information there is out there.

Eventually, a lot of women get frustrated or fed up and opt to work out at home. THEN they're bombarded with "women's" workout essentials. Pink or other pastel barbels, matching sports-bra-and-miniskirt combinations, tiny little 1-5-8 pound barbell sets "for women." Because women aren't supposed to lift heavy. Women aren't supposed to be strong. We're supposed to be slim, feminine, and weak so that men can protect us. RIGHT? There's no reason a woman sould have to lift more than 10 pounds unless it's a baby. And really, when the kid gets too heaby, that's what Dad's for!

Or do they think we're concerned with looking "too masculine" lifting a grey 15-pound dumbbell? With our faces red and contorted, sweating, and grunting, we'd just look "too masculine" and would be better off with a 5-pound pink dumbbell.

Because when I'm working out, I'm really concerned with attracting a mate. I don't really care how healthy I am as long as I find a strong man to protect me!

(women who go to the gym for the purpose of finding a mate will be in a later chapter; possibly titled "Gym-bos.")

Seriously, fitness industry. Get your act together.

Meet the Misogynista!

Greetings Friends, Followers, and Random Internet Strangers!

I am The Misogynista, a female who has the audacity to be on the internet, and still expects to be treated with respect! Also a female who leaves her home unescorted with her head (and sometimes ankles or worse!) exposed, and expects to be left alone.

Well. I'm sure you've all heard of experienced enough hilarious(or not) horror stories to know that that doesn't always happen. And I'm here to make public about a zillion things that people have said over the web, thinking that they were safe. Some of these things, my friends, are utterly ridiculous. I have a really, really hard time imagining what goes through the heads of these people when they write this stuff. And, if I'm really, really lucky, you'll think that the way I write about it is funny!

You'll all get to that soon enough. This post is about me, because I'm interesting, dammit!

I hope you'll understand if I don't feel like disclaiming my name. Misogynista will have to do. I'm a late-twentysomething, unmarried(but not single), childless female. I'm fit and curvy, and I pretend my hair is red because (in my opionion) God ran out of the right color the day I was made. I even have the green eyes and freckles to go with it.

I'm rather intelligent, with an IQ hitting the mid 120s, depending on the test. I'm incredibly clever and quick-witted. I think I'm hilarious, and usually so do the people who get my jokes. For example, I have a Rottweiler named "Mervin, The Sheriff of Rottingham." I think that's hysterical. A lot of people look at me funny. Whatever, he's the awesomest Sheriff this side of England.

...Except I don't live in England.

MOVING ON.

I'm also well-read, fairly cultured, educated, and gainfully employed. The point I'm trying to make is that I am worth SO MUCH MORE THAN A CURVY BACKSIDE, and I am right sick of people treating me like the only thing that's important is below the brain. I'm a worthwhile human being, dammit!

So this blog is going to be filled with the ridiculous misogyny that I (and anyone who feels like contributing!) deal with on a daily basis.

I call it "Weekly" dose because I just can't commit to a daily post. I can't help it, I've been hurt before. However, I can pretty much guarantee that you'll find something every day at https://twitter.com/Misogynista so feelf ree to follow me!

I'm going to spent the next day or so searching through my archives and finding the perfect message to post and mock. And for those who are curious about the profile that inspires such literary gems, you can find me on OKCupid at username Fatalis_Vox. Maybe I'll edit this post to include an actual link when I'm home and the website isn't blocked.

If you have anything that you'd like to contribute, any interactions or messages you'd like to see publically ridiculed, please email me at this.misogynista@gmail.com!

It's been lovely meeting you!

-Misogynista