As I may have mentioned earlier, I'm on a dating website known as http://www.okcupid.com/. Generally, I love this website. It has an advanced matching algorithm that I've found incredibly useful for making friends and meeting people. Since I tend to wind up in new cities fairly frequently, this is invaluable to me.
For reference, you can find my profile here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/fatalis_vox
As you can see, if you bother to read it, it clearly states that I'm only seeking friendship, that I'm in a relationship and uninterested in another one. Generally, I'm a full-disclosure kind of person. It's just easier than lying.
The downside is that most people on these websites never actually bother to READ profiles. Now I'm approaching this mostly as a straight female, so I'm directing this toward "guys." I am aware that not every guy is like the ones I am about to tear apart. In fact, I've made a number of really good male friends on this website, and gotten some truly excellent, well-thought-out messages from guys who clearly read my profile. And then I get the following drivel:
"hi..your profile looks very appealing..are u married? i bet u are a naughty horny wife.."
a) I automatically think that anyone who types that way is between the ages of 12 and 14. Or at least has the education level of such. However, the website does have age restrictions, so I'm forced to take the age at face value.
b) The person in the picture is not wearing a shirt. And seriously, I don't want to see that. Put on your clothes and join polite society.
c) WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO INITIATE A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT? What makes you think it's appropriate to talk to ANYONE like that, much less a woman you don't know?
And he isn't alone! The following messages are also ones I've received
"How many guys today have shown you their penis?
I’m going to break the trend of perverted guys that don’t know how to introduce themselves to a pretty lady. So here’s my introductory email – no pictures of my junk, no comments about how badly I want to give it to you doggystyle, and no misspelled words! At this point, you’re probably thinking, “is he really a dude or is he a female posing as a man?”. I promise you I’m actually a guy, and although I’m only looking for a casual sex relationship, I’m far from a disgusting pervert. So if you want to chat with a man that knows how to please AND respect a pretty lady such as yourself, hit me up on IM. Look forward to hearing from you!"
Wow. This guy actually thinks that the fact that he is NOT GOING TO SHOW ME HIS PENIS UNSOLICITED is giving him points!! Look at how reserved he is! He's not going to send me pictures of his junk or make inappropriate comments about sexual positions. Except...well, he did. Oops. Sorry, guy.
He is still propositioning me, also, in case you missed that part And he somehow thinks that's...respectful? There's something seriously wrong with that. It doesn't matter how many commas or hyphens you put in, this email is essentially the wordy version of "nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
Here's a fun one!
"Seriously, lady, what a psychotic profile... You're looking to fuck. But not really. You're actually in a relationship. But only in all the ways that actually give you value. But if some guy is trolling a DATING site in the desperate hopes of finding that one awesome woman who is already taken and off limits, he may strike gold. Really, a re-write is severely needed. Just put it up top that you're looking for platonic buddies because you're taken but too conflicted to just remove the damn profile. Save us the wasted time."
I actually have no idea what to say about this. I read it, and my response was basically "W-T-F I don't even..."
It pretty much speaks for itself.
"I'm a married professional that is looking for…what I refer to as… that ‘spark’. So then given our current situations, I respect that you are looking for a certain level of discretion. Is this fair to say? I certainly would like to talk to you more. For example, to find out what brings you here in your search for a tall, sane, fun and non-judgmental guy (which by the way, I am all of those things. 6ft tall with dark features, as a professional they generally prefer me to be sane J, and oh how I laugh!!! and well, you are who you are, and I am you I am.) I will be honest with you that I have played lawn darts since I was a boy (back when they were actually darts) but I’m sure you can help me regain my throwing form.
I’m not into any sort of B.S. Don’t worry here. Games are not worth anyone’s time, so why bother with them? I look forward to chatting with you further and to find out if the only differences that we do have is just the lawn darts or not. "
Paraphrase: "I LIKE STUFF. I'm trying to cheat on my wife with you, but I don't play games! Except lawn-darts, but that's totally cool, right? I bet I'm your type."
Ugh. This is disgusting. Not ONLY is this dude asking me to be his side-girl, but he actually thinks that that's an honest and "no-BS" kind of relationship. Also, he clearly ignored the part of my profile (if he even read it) that states in no uncertain terms that I just want to make friends.
And then, my absolute favorite OKC message that is still in my inbox:
"I'm looking for a girl to dominate and spank me and I kiss her feet? do Accept you be this girl"
Looking past the broken English that clearly identifies this person as a non-native English speaker, and thus likely foreign and subject to different cultural norms...WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Who in their right mind thinks that this is an okay way to greet ANYONE? It's creepy, it's...horrible, and in no way, in no universe, should it be considered appropriate or anything remotely resembling "okay."
(note: I'm not judging people for their lifestyle choices. People can be into whatever they want between consenting adults. However, messages like this remove the "consent" part. You're forcing onto me knowledge about your sexual habits without bothering to care whether I want to know or not. That is sexual harassment, and it's plain wrong.)
The response I got from some male friends who actually defended these guys? "Well, at least he's being straightforward! He's not beating around the bush. There's something to be said for his honesty!" No. No, there isn't. There is no defense for a guy who thinks it's okay to proposition a woman as an introduction, or to make the assumptions that the above make. It's disgusting, it's demeaning, and it furthers the concept that women are sex objects. I'm not sorry, but that's not okay. It's NEVER okay. If you think there's anything okay about these messages, you're part of the problem.
Think about that.
I find it amazing that someone would defend this kind of behavior to be honest. It's like these guys think they're in some common whorehouse and every woman they see is up for grabs. Those kinds of "greetings" are the things you'd say to a prostitute on a street corner. By sending this kind of message, they are essentially looking at you like a whore.
ReplyDeleteI understand many people (men and women) browse these dating sites for sex. That's fine, but show the decency to talk to the other person and treat them with some freaking decency while you try to find out what they're looking for. Jumping to the assumption that they want the same things you do or that you can say whatever the hell you want to them simply because there's no danger of repercussions is just wrong.
I honestly just have to laugh at most of these messages. People are just amazing.